The Tongue in Cheek Sheep has decided to dedicate its very first post to a very special breed of man...the country boy!
Country boys are rugged and sexy. Having a few extra pounds on you only adds to the charm, along with last weeks fuzz still clinging desperately to your face. It's a college aged male's favorite persona to achieve in the Midwest, because in this persona, you're expected to have wrinkled and dirty clothes. Or, for the metro sexual, you can really play it up and add cute accessories-like a big fake belt buckle, hat, and a piece of straw. (Note: straw is interchangeable with a cancer stick)
To be a country boy, there are really only a few things you have to know.
For starters...
All of these country boys have to be friends with their country guy friends. Country attire is mandatory among the group. If you are confused about this, wear light wash jeans that typically do not fit well and are frayed at the bottom from all the cow shit, gravel and fields you’ve been walking through. (If you’re just playing the part, don’t worry-for about $100 you can pay for brands like Lucky and Hollister to do this for you). T-shirts that say “John Deere” or “Carhartt” or even “I’m a country boy” and a cowboy hat that screams "poser" will help camouflage you in the overwhelming crowd of 20 and 30 something ‘country boys’ that make up most of the midwestern male population.
Now, the guys have the dress code committed to heart. They’re looking more country by the minute, yeehaw and feeling good about it too! The next step towards ultimate country boy camouflage?
A country girl!
Oh yeah…those lucky country girls, you country boys will take them for a ride on your big green tractor. You can make it go slow, or even slower. (Even Kenny Chesney and Jason Aldean combined can’t make a tractor fast or sexy).
Girls, to all of you fashionistas or shapeless North Face Fleece lovers , I promise you-the switch to country girl is just about as easy for you as it is for the guys. Take a hint ladies...
A country boy's ultimate country girl will be either sweet or sassy. She will have long hair and wear shorts that could also be classified as a pair of panties, along with a plaid button up shirt that isn't even buttoned up. A generous amount of bra flashing is encouraged, as if the country boys aren't eager enough to pursue their ultimate country girl!
Now guys, if this country girl seems a little too racy for you, there is also the more conservative breed of country girl. Look out for her-she will be wearing her best guy friend's Copenhagen hoodie, along with a super sexy tight pair of flare jeans that are shredded from the hip to the toe. Mediocre snake skin cowgirl boots with slick soles that don't do a damn for your ability to stay upright usually accompany this look.
Ok country boys...you're informed. You know the dress code, and how to spot a country chick. But how to pick her up?
Generally, this is easy. Grab a Bud Light and start up that slow, fake southern drawl that ya'll are famous for and start bragging about that crazy time you had mudding. If this doesn't do it, surely tales of your 12 gauge sweetheart that you used to drop Bambi's mother last season will hook her! And if you really need a leg up in this competition...whip that can of Skoal out of your back pocket and out-chew all your other country buddies. The country girls are sure to be impressed.
If you still feel insecure about your ability to nab a country girl, you could always invest in a big truck. There are several options available to you. If you choose Ford, beware...the problem is circled for you right there in the logo. If you drive a Chevy, Dodges are shit. If you drive a Dodge, Chevys are shit. If you drive a Ford, both Dodges and Chevys are shit. And regardless of what kind of American truck you are driving, if you see a Toyota truck, you calmly imagine that if your truck was a dog, it would be peeing on the Toyota truck. That's a universal truck thing.
Once you've chosen the type of truck, make sure that you lift it up by about 2 feet so that you can't even see the road; if this is still not compensation enough for you, add monster truck tires that are 3 feet tall. Just make sure you bring along a ladder so that your little lady can scramble in.
Lastly, for the country boys that lack initiative...Need some ideas for that country lifestyle? Enroll in an equine course at your local college, guys. The girls will outnumber you ten to one, so your chances of picking one up increase dramatically in this situation. Plus, you can show off your mad bronc-busting skillz.
Also, check out the local bar scene. A lot of bars will have country nights where all the over-emphasized country-ness is right at home. And in that scene, the Bud Light and the mudding comments usually do work.
A word to the wise, boys. True country guys and girls can spot a poser a mile away. Be careful that you don't overdo it because of these two reasons.
A: IT WILL BE OBVIOUS. Painfully.
Alright, country boys! You're armed and ready with no excuses, so go do your thing and live...country strong!!!
CONSIDER YOURSELF INFORMED....all pictures were taken off of Google's image search engine, and may be subject to copyright.
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